EP… Just for Fun

What the Presidential candidates might have said…

Candidate No 1:

Good evening my fellow Singaporeans. I am Dr Tan.

I think I need no introduction. After all, most of you can recognize me from my hairstyle which I have kept for more than half a century, and of course, my specs, which make me look more intelligent than I may actually is. Most importantly, they enabled me to look clearly into the “future”.

Ok ok, I know I may not be the most popular guy these days because many people are jealous of my little boy who got to sit in an air-conditioned lab while the rest of you had to endure the moon, the mud and the mosquitoes out in the field. But hey let’s look beyond such trivial issue… after all, most army guys chao keng anyway.  

Alright…let’s focus back on the more important issues here…. With my imposing stature and scholarly look, I may not be the best president but I am definitely the best-looking president!! Surely you would want someone who will look good on the front page of newspapers, shaking hands with other world leaders, right?   

So vote for me. If I don’t look good, you don’t look good!!

Candidate 2:

Hi everyone. I am also Dr Tan, but unlike the previous candidate, I am a REAL doctor. As in the kind who can write you MC when you don’t feel like seeing your bosses’ face or downgrade your PES status when you also want to sit in a comfortable office for your NS…  like somebody’s son.

I admit I am not as good-looking as the other Dr Tan, but surely I am the bravest. Even though I was formerly from THE party, I am not a Yes-Man. Hey look, I am the only one who is prepared to tell the PM to stop taking up spaces mine at my soon-to-be residence and go find his own office space.

Forget about the front page pictures… almost everyone skipped to the football or entertainment pages anyway. Vote for me, I will fight for more free parking spaces, more public holidays and dare I say… lower ERP??

Candidate No 3:

Hello everybody. I am sure by now you all should know I am your choice, as I am the only one who has never wore white on white… because my former boss at THE party thought I wasn’t good enough for the sacred uniform.

But who cares?! I think red suits me just fine and my present boss thinks the best of me. My credentials have certainly lended some needed credibility in his quest to become Singapore’s Ghandi, the martyr of democracy, the symbol of human rights… oh ok, enough of his evil plans to take over Singapore. Anyway… 

So vote for me. I promise to donate half my salary, after deducting my personal expenses of course. I promise THE party will have to go down on their knees to beg me before I allow them to even smell the $$$ in the vault. I promise you will get to see lovely Nicole more often… I promise…..

What? I can’t promise too much? What the…!!! look, this is how they are attacking my understanding of the English language again!!!!!

Candidate No 4:

Good evening…. (smile)… (keep smiling)…. (smile more)….

Oh it’s my turn? Alright, all I can say is that I will be the voice of the people.

Oh, this is not the GE??? But I thought President and MP same same ma??? Never mind… I still insist to be the voice.

So vote for me… (smile)…. as I can show you how to make optical illusions or use the torchlight in the dark so you won’t fall down etc… or how not to buy insurance… or how you can get back those money you lost in your with the greedy banks by protesting at Hong Lim Park…

So vote for me ok? (smile again…)


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