After years of watching football, I am convinced I have the makings of a good football plaudit, aka the “expert in the studio”.
It is really not as difficult as one might think. All you need is the ability to state the obvious (perferably with a straight-laced face), weave an entertaining story around it and passing them on as “expert opinion”.
1) Team A failed to convert all their 20 chances. Team B scored the winning goal from their only chance in the 89th min.
Experts: “Team A’s strikers squandered chance after chance after chance.. but credit to Team B for soaking up the pressure so well and delivered the perfect sucker punch!!”
Translation: Team B was lucky and scored. Team A was unlucky and didn’t.
*As if it is that easy to score goals in football.*
2) Team A was down by 2 goals at half-time but won the game by scoring 3 in the second half.
Experts:”Team A displayed a lot of character and their players have the never-say-die attitude even when they are trailing by 2 goals.”
Translation: Team A managed to score 1 more goal than their opponents before the time runs out.
*Ever wondered how do they know for sure the win was due to those factors they cited? What about those times that they didn’t manage to turn the tables around?*
3) Manager of Team A made a substitution at the 85th min and the substitute went on to score the winning goal.
Experts: “It was an inspired change by the manager. A masterstroke!!”
Translation: A goal was scored by a player coming out from the bench.
*Again, what about those times that the substitution didn’t work?*
4) Team A, not tipped to win the title at the start of the season, won the league title by a slim margin.
Experts: “Team A won because they are able to grind out results, they have the experience of a title run-in, they have great team spirit, they have a brilliant manager, they wanted to prove their critics wrong… etc”
Translation: I really don’t know how they managed to win, but since they win and made me eat my words, I need to come up with a story that made me looked like I always know they are going to… despite my earlier prediction, which in any case, nobody would remember.
The sports network should seriously consider hiring me. I definitely come cheaper than those sacked managers and ex-players.
As they liked to say, “The ball is round…” (whatever that means)